Mothering

Farewell 2019

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2019 was a great year for our family. We all have our health, the twins started dance class, Hank turned one, my parents bought a lake house, Nick started grad school and I joined the Toledo Mom family as a writer/contributor. However, 2019 was also a year of many “lasts” for me.

In 2019 I nursed for the last time, pumped for the last time and thawed my last bag of frozen breastmilk. I threw my last first birthday party. I watched my last child learn to crawl, walk and say his first words. I put away the bassinet, swings and baby bathtub for the last time. I started my last college fund and put away all of the baby clothes. And I am SO emotional about it; much more than I had anticipated.

For those not close to me, you may not know that I had a tubal ligation during my c-section with Hank which I have regretted ever since I came home from the hospital. When I was pregnant with Hank, I was sure he would be our last child. I hadn’t expected to fall pregnant with him and when I did, I was excited but very nervous that I would be unable to love him as much as his sisters. Nick was happy to have his baby boy and we both thought three children made our family complete. We were all team #CranstonPartyof5

But then I realized just how EASY it was to love Hank. I realized how much room I had in my heart, and just how much I love being a mother. I see our empty guest bedroom that is sort of a “catch-all” for random things and think how much more exciting and fun life would be if we filled it with another child.

So now I find myself wishing I hadn’t had my tubes tied; that I hadn’t permanently closed that door.

Growing up I always wanted three children. The thought of more never crossed my mind, but now it is on my mind almost every day. Maybe it’s because we struggled for so long and went through so much to have the twins that I feel like I took something away from myself (my fertility) that I prayed so long for? Or maybe it’s because Hank is such an easy and sweet baby. Or MAYBE it is because our family isn’t complete. I can’t help but think there is one more child in my future.

I caught myself Googling the odds of falling pregnant after a tubal ligation. According to WebMD, fewer than 1 in 100 women get pregnant within a year after having their tubes tied, which is actually more than I would have thought. I secretly find myself hoping (well, not so secretly now) that exception will be me.  Or perhaps Nick (whose mind is currently made up that three kids are more than enough) will eventually be open to discussing the possibility in a few years and willing to try a reversal or IVF again, or maybe we will adopt. Or maybe once I am well past the baby and potty training stages I will be thankful that we stopped at three kids.

I’m not sure but my gut tells me our family, hearts, and home have room for more.

That being said, one of my goals for 2020 is to live in the moment; to focus on the now and the wonderful things that I have. I will do my best not to dwell on the past choices that I may not be the happiest with or the what-ifs the future may hold. After all, I have a beautiful family deserving of all the love and time I have to give.

Ok, sorry about that emotional rant! Along with the above my goals for 2020 include:

If I can stick to 75% of these, I will consider it a success! Especially the “me time”; especially the ME TIME.

Happy New Year to all; thanks for sticking with me through my crazy life. I wish you all happiness and health for 2020. CHEERS!

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