Sleep is for the birds

The past two weeks have been rough for me. I haven’t slept well at all, and my days have been filled with mini panic attacks, headaches, hot flashes and more. I lie awake at night, extremely exhausted yet extremely alert. My days feel normal but as soon as my head hits the pillow I can’t seem to turn my mind off. I’m not sure I am thinking of any one thing specifically, I just know that I am thinking. My mind races and as soon as I feel myself drifting off I seem to catch myself and subconsciously say “hey look, you weren’t thinking, that’s not allowed!” and I jolt awake with a racing heart pumping adrenaline throughout my body. One of the main purposes of adrenaline is to keep us alert. It is that “Fight or Flight” defense mechanism that kicks in and I can’t seem to control it for the life of me.

This goes on for hours, until I either finally drift off, drink a glass of wine to help calm my nerves, or I get out of bed and just do things. So many people have told me that a glass of wine to help me sleep is no big deal, but I am so afraid of becoming dependent on that! Which adds to my anxiety. I am also starting my meds for our FET this week and I do not want to drink on them, I want to give them the best chance to work. So now I’m sitting here, anxious about not sleeping, anxious about starting my meds, anxious that by not sleeping I will ruin my chances of this cycle working, anxious that I am failing. It’s no wonder that I can’t sleep at night!

I’m not sure what triggered these feelings exactly, I was sleeping like a baby for most of December. I think it was a combination of the Lupron Depot shot I was given on 12/18 (apparently side effects include headaches, hot flashes, potential worsening of anxiety/depression) which lasts about a month, the influx of pregnancy announcements over the holidays, and the fact that the holidays are now over (I no longer have a distraction or anything to look forward to before treatment begins). All I know is that my emotions are heightened and I wish I could pop a Xanax every few hours. It’s not fun and it is definitely not how I wanted to be feeling going into my FET.

But this is the hand I was dealt and I need to make the most of it. I am going to try to stay as relaxed as possible when awake, and make the most out of my time lying in bed. I will try to think positive thoughts, or better yet, not think at all. I know this phase will pass. Maybe not today or tomorrow, or even next week, but it will pass. That is what I keep reminding myself…normalcy will return and be welcomed with open arms.