One of the most disheartening things about my 13 month (today, boo!) journey is the fact that I have never once seen a REAL positive pregnancy test (I don’t count testing out my HCG trigger shot, which I admit to having done just so I could see what a positive pregnancy test looks like). Not even close. No “squinters”, “evaps” or “indents”. Just stark white nothingness, which seems foreboding of my potentially childless future.
Throughout my journey I have discovered that I sometimes think horrible thoughts that I would never think had I not been under these circumstance. Wanting a baby can make you think and do some crazy things. I promised to be honest on my blog, so if I offend anyone I am sorry. But sometimes I wish for a miscarriage or chemical pregnancy, just to see that positive test and to know that my body CAN in fact GET pregnant. To all of you who have experienced miscarriages in your lifetime, I am sorry for your losses. But because I have never experienced that pain I cannot relate to you. I am sure it is a horrible feeling, and I do not wish it upon anyone (in reality, I don’t even truly wish it upon myself), but when you are as desperate as I am just getting even a tiny bit closer to a real baby seems worth the pain. I am sure I am not the first person to think this, and I am most certainly not the last.
Not having ever experienced a BFP has turned me into a bit of a pessimist (which I am working on). I often wonder if my body can even hold a baby, if we will be able to conceive even after IVF attempts. My doctors have, to this point, found nothing wrong with me. And Nick’s issues have been determined to not have a significant impact on our fertility. So why can’t I get pregnant?? Why can’t I do the one thing that a woman was originally put on this earth to do? Sometimes I feel ashamed, and that my body is broken. Why does what comes so easily to several women seem to be impossible for me? I am increasingly jealous of women with children and pregnant women. I have even avoided a situation or two where I knew there would be children, just so I didn’t have to feel an immense wave of pain.
Unexplained infertility is very difficult to deal with. When I explain to others that the reason why I am not yet pregnant is “unexplained”, or that the doctors just can’t seem to find anything wrong with us, the immediately think this is a good thing. I can’t count the number of times I have heard “if there is nothing wrong with you just keep trying”, or “that means you will have a baby eventually”, and so on. But usually that is not the case. Just because they cant find anything wrong doesn’t mean there isn’t anything wrong. And when the doctor tells you to your face that he doesn’t think you will conceive naturally, then you probably will not, or it will take a “miracle”. There are so many tiny little processes that go into conceiving a child, and we are just not medically advanced enough to have the capability to test for all of those different processes. Unexplained infertility is a difficult diagnosis because that means there is no problem identified, and therefore, nothing that can be fixed to improve my chances. And that just stinks.
I try to imagine myself pregnant, with a cute little baby bump, and I can’t seem to do it. It’s so hard to convince myself that it will happen! But after speaking with others in similar situations, I know that a failed IVF cycle will not be the end of my journey. I have put too much into this to give up so easily. One way or another, I will have a baby in my arms after all of it, whether through IVF, surrogate or adoption. I will be a mother.