Today is Friday and I am feeling empty. Just a few days ago I was hopefully optimistic that I had two beautiful babies on board. Now I know there is nothing. I started my period today which just seems to scream “failure”. I picture a big red “F” on my IVF midterm paper. I was still clinging to that tiny shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, the test results were wrong, or I was a late implanter. Nope, just myself and my empty womb.
I haven’t had to take an injection or a pill for three days and I find myself missing the process. Had I been pregnant the PIO shots would have continued for another 8 weeks. I wish I still had that daily pain. Any pain would be better than the pain of this emptiness.
My family and friends have been amazing. I don’t think I could have gotten through this without their love and support. Each day seems to get a little better (wine helps too), but I think it will hurt for a long time. I try to stay busy to keep my mind off of it and I am trying to be as proactive about the next cycle as possible.
I will begin my birth control pills again this weekend, and we will see the doctor on November 4th. We are leaning toward another fresh cycle because I don’t think I could handle the hopes of a frozen transfer and then our little ice baby not making it through the thaw. I am praying that a fresh cycle will bring us a higher quantity and quality. I need some fighting eggs!
While we wait for our next appointment and schedule, I am going to do what I can to improve the quality of my eggs. I am already taking prenatal vitamins, vitamin b complex and CoQ10. I am going to try to work fertility friendly foods into my diet as well. Nuts, seeds, eggs, avocados, leafy greens, etc. I have also decided to give acupuncture a go! My first appointment is next Tuesday and I am really looking forward to it. I figure if it doesn’t help my fertility it should at least help me relax, right?
I hope once Aunt Flo exits the building I can stop this pity party and start thinking positive for our next try. We can do this!