Trying to Conceive

Finding the beauty in the pain

IVF is a long and painful (both physically and mentally) process. I know this already and I have not yet completed a full cycle! Every day we wake up and look at our schedule. We administer our injections, we take our oral medications, we visit our RE for ultrasounds and bloodwork. Some days we have procedures. We wait for results, we wait for answers, and we wait for the next day knowing that it might be one step closer to bringing home our miracle babies.

We do all of this while staying strong so that our peers don’t know the real struggle we go through on a daily basis. We try to stay positive while on the inside we are constantly mulling over the “what ifs” or the “how could this possibly work” thoughts. We look forward to our injections, because we know the pain will be worth it, and the pain makes it feel real. We look at our embryos as children, and we question how we have been Pro Choice for our entire lives but now that our future is in the hands of these tiny little blastocysts we can’t imagine why anyone would ever want to terminate them (I am still Pro Choice, but it does get me thinking). We are both excited and afraid of D-day (pregnancy test day) and have already planned out what we are going to do that evening if the results are positive (celebratory dinner!) or negative (down a bottle of wine and watch ourselves cry in the mirror).

But through all of this pain and mixed emotion there is beauty. The female body is an amazing thing, and science even more so. A human being can be created outside of the human body, carried to term, and result in a beautiful child. The scars and bruises from medication signify our struggle, but also our determination. There is beauty in the hope and strength that we develop as women. There is beauty in the relationships we build with our partners. There is beauty in the bonds we create with women like ourselves on forums, chats, in waiting rooms, or just passing by. There is beauty in the amount of love we pour into the tiny chance that we may someday have our family. And there is beauty in the idea the infertility is not a stigma or defining characteristic, but a journey that we are blessed to travel.

Many of you may have come across this image/story below in recent weeks, but I wanted to share it regardless. The thought behind this image is both beautiful and thought provoking, and I believe it will help bring the awareness that infertility so desperately needs. Please take a moment to read the story here, if you have a moment.

This image was shared on the Sher Institutes Facebook page with the text, “Wow, what a photo. Thank you to Sher Fertility St. Louis and Dr. Dayal patient Angela, who shows the true definition of love that went into making this gorgeous new baby girl.” Photo courtesy of Sher Institutes

In response to this image, I wanted to create my own. Though I do not have my take home baby yet, I created this image using some of my syringes and my embryo/ultrasound photos. The quality is not great, and I don’t have nearly as many syringes, but I think the message behind it is just as beautiful. HOPE.


I was feeling pretty emotional today…..could it be symptom??!! Haha.

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